Rush Is Ripe
In Which I Expound at Some Length About the Pros and Cons of Country Music and Rush Limbaugh, While Saying Almost Nothing

I have a confession to make. Sometimes i listen to Rush Limbaugh.

On purpose.

I know, i know, that makes me a vast right-wing co-conspirator. But don't assume anything about me based on my dirty secret. I am not here to praise Rush, but to make a couple Simple Points.

I first started listening to Rush Limbaugh because the delivery truck i sometimes drive only has an AM radio, which is fine because i like WSM. In a town dominated by Garth Brooks, WSM is the only station that plays actual country music - y'know, from before they all started wearing tight pants and using cordless headset microphones. Willie, Waylon, The Possum, The Hag, Cash, Faron Young, the great Ray Price - country music, not the bad pop that passes for country these days. But of course there's bad country music, too, so whenever they start playing Loretta Lynn or Porter Waggoner i start looking for something else to listen to. And the pickin's is slim in Nashville. There's a lot of preachers, of course, and gospel choirs. Then there's WLAC, Nashville's home for both Satan (oops, i mean Dr. Laura) and her not-so-little helper Rush Limbaugh. So i stumbled across Rush's program one afternoon in Dolly Parton-fueled desperation, and i was shocked into shame to discover i like listening to this guy.

He has a reassuring, fatherly baritone, and he's talking about the important issues of the day. He makes better jokes about Clinton than all the late-night guys combined. His slavish devotion to the GOP frequently leads him to spout ridiculously shaky logic, at which times it's great fun to scream at the radio. No, i don't always agree with him; if the truth must be known, i almost never agree with him. But - and here's the real kicker and Simple Point Number One - he knows what he thinks and can express it clearly. Listening to his program is like reading the letters to the editor (unless the editor is Bob Guccione, Jr.) or the op-ed page: you don't go there to be told what to think. I like when a person has something to say and says it.

Which leads us to the real problem with Rush Limbaugh (and Simple Point Number Two): the listeners. Because too many of his listeners do go there to be told what to think. They are without opinions of their own, which is why they call up and express their megadittos. And why they put stickers on their cars that say "Rush Is Right" - they agree with everything he says. Only Jesus the Christ should have listeners that devoted; anyone else we should question without ceasing. You can't agree with everything anyone says, any more than you can actually love every song ever recorded by your favorite band (even when it's a truly great band like, say, Yes). But these people don't question, which is scary. And annoying.

The ones who disagree, though, are the hardest to take. They call up and sit on hold for an hour to yell gibberish at Rush, because they do agree with him, and don't know it. Here's every caller who ever disagreed with Rush:

caller: Hiya, Rush, and megadittos from the Land of Lincoln, Birthplace of the Penny and Spiritual Home to All with Silly Beards, Where a Kid Can Be a Kid, Home of the Midwest Champions of Something-or-Other Three Years Running!
Rush: Um, yeah, hi.
(dead air)
caller: Yeah, hi, Rush, how are you?
Rush: I'm great, caller. As a matter of fact, I had such a great weekend it's all I talked about for the first hour. You might've heard me mention it to the previous three callers, too. So why did you call?
caller: Right. Yeah. (dead air) Well, uh, i just, uh, wanna say that i've agreed with every single glorious syllable you've uttered since i started listening, until earlier today when you said something about the wooden benches in Anypark.
Rush: Right, I said they're the most comfortable wooden benches I've ever sat on.
caller: Yeah, well, there's your problem, Rush. Because the benches in Anypark are made of oak, not just any old wood, and if the American people don't start paying attention to what the benches are made of, the liberals are gonna have us all living in wooden doghouses, eating nothing but beans because they gave all the pork to lazy welfare feminazi immigrants...

You get my drift. They don't pay attention, and they don't actually know what they're trying to say. I don't want to hear it. Gather your thoughts while you're on hold - even better, before you call! 'Cause if you don't have something really important to say, what the hell are you doing on the radio? That goes for you, too, Liddy. Use the brain our maker gave you, even if it's a little one. And use more italics!

That's what's wrong with Rush Limbaugh: his listeners.

And that's, um, all i, um, wanted to say.